Understanding what the behaviour is trying to achieve or communicate.

Hi there. Welcome to the Human Experience podcast.

I’m Pam.

I use this podcast to share thoughts, ideas, knowledge, and information. On the subject of the human experience. I do this in the hope that it allows you to have a kinder and more compassionate relationship. With yourself and with others.

Any of the tools, skills and the information I share can be applied as much to the relationship with yourself as it can to your relationship with others.

I believe that the relationship we have with ourselves is key to our well-being. And is the foundation of resilience.

Let's dive into today's topic, which is all about understanding what the behaviour is trying to achieve or communicate.

Today, I want to give you what I hope is a different perspective about behaviour, which is the way a person acts, reacts or functions in response to internal and external stimuli.

This is an area that gets considerable judgement from ourselves and others.

You know, cultures, generations and families all have ideas on right and wrong behaviour. What is acceptable or not? And we are taught and conditioned. To behave in particular ways that others find desirable. That is part of the human survival DNA.

What I want to chat about is the information that behaviour is able to offer. And how we might discover that information.

Because what the behaviour looks like it’s saying on the surface can be very can be very different to the actual reason the behaviour is occurring. And understanding what, the behaviour is trying to achieve for that person or what it's communicating can be more helpful than focussing on how it appears.

For example, someone with anxiety might refuse to do something because they are overwhelmed, frightened or worried about failing. They might argue because they're trying to avoid an anxiety provoking situation. They might become irritable or angry when they feel stressed or they're feeling unsafe. Or maybe they'll seem argumentative as they resist transitions, new experiences, or demands because uncertainty triggers anxiety.

All of the behaviours have a function. Most anxiety driven behaviour is about seeking safety, certainty, predictability, avoiding distress.

PTSD, which results in a person’s nervous system, essentially, operating as though danger is still present can show up in behaviours that appear oppositional, but are actually just survival responses.

PTSD behaviours can be highly reactive when it comes to requests or corrections or perceived criticism. PTSD responds with anger when feeling threatened, controlled, or vulnerable.

On the outside, that can look like arguing, refusing instructions, challenging authority, irritability and anger, non-compliance, maybe moody. However, the underlying driver, is more likely to be fear, threat detection, or a need for safety, rather than any real desire to oppose another person or their ideas.

The same behaviours can be witnessed in many different people as an example the behaviour of walking away. One person will be doing that to regain a sense of safety, and the other person might be doing that, to keep another person safe because they're feeling out of control. So, behaviours can look the same but rarely are the same.

Understanding or recognising that difference often changes our response, because our interpretation of that behaviour, impacts our behavioural response.  So, two people could show the same behaviour. But for very different reasons.

So, understanding what the behaviour is doing for them is key, because behaviour has a strategy component. In the particular situation what is it helping them achieve, is it helping them to feel safe? Is it helping to avoid discomfort? Is it giving them some feeling of protection?

So just observing behaviour does not give us all the information because it's open to our interpretation. Which is impacted by our own history and beliefs.

Again looking at the behaviour of someone walking away from a conversation before it has naturally come to an end, that might happen because they're trying to end it on their terms or they're trying to prevent escalation. (That's something I personally do.) They might be doing that behaviour to avoid accountability. Or maybe as self-protection because they’re feeling emotionally flooded.

There could be multiple purposes that the behaviour serves. Because the same behaviour can serve multiple functions.

This is this is why understanding the function of the behaviour within the context it is being displayed. Can be so helpful.

I want to offer you four areas of behaviour that you can explore separately in relation to any specific behaviour, keep it within a specific context.

1.                        Behaviour – What is the person doing?

2.                        Strategy – What is the behaviour trying to accomplish? (e.g., gaining control)

3.                        Need – What need is the strategy serving? (e.g., safety, autonomy, belonging, competence)

4.                        Context – Why does that need feel important right now?

The same internal experience can at times produce different behaviour because it's dependent on the variables of context, maybe the relationships with the other people involved within the context. And that's why context matters so much.

Behaviour, of course, by itself is still just one part of the picture. One piece of the whole experience, so rather than reacting, to other people's behaviours, it can be, more helpful or useful to you and them to maybe ask yourself, and if the relationship allows maybe them, “how is this behaviour helping this person make their experience more manageable right now? “

Of course, as humans, we rarely do something for just a single reason, and we very rarely have just a single feeling.

Like most things, we simplify to support understanding, and learning which is what happened in today's discussion, and we need to remember that the real time experience is much more complex.

Initially if you try this, because it's in the learning zone, it is uncomfortable, challenging, and sometimes feels clumsy to use or apply these kind of skills.

What I think for ourselves at least, is it's important to consider acknowledging that we all have learned behavioural strategies that once genuinely benefited us and may no longer serve us, and that is why exploring and getting curious about behaviour is so valuable.

Not curiosity from the viewpoint of whether the behaviour is right or wrong. But getting curious about whether the behaviour, the strategy, the need or the context, is still actually serving you in some way. Or at least in the way that they might think it is, or you might think it is.

A final thought - when you notice yourself disturbed or challenged by either your own or someone else's behaviour, the following statement can be helpful - Given what I know of this person's history. Or your own history, if you're exploring your own behaviour. What I know of the person's history, experience, and the situation right now, how does this behaviour make sense?

If you don't know anything about this person's history, or experience, or maybe this situation. Then that might be a sign to either just move on and let it go, or maybe to get to know the person.

Now none of these questions or this information excuse harmful behaviour and we all have to know and decide for ourselves whether or not someone's behaviour is harmful to us in some way and have clear boundaries in relation to behaviour.

Okay, my friends. Thanks for sharing this time with me today. I am grateful to have you to discuss thoughts, ideas, tools with.